Wow... what a Week!

Last weeks "Monday Blues" were quickly washed away when we received "The Call" from our birhtmom. Little did we know that what was about to unfold would likely change our lives forever. Our week off from work must have been sent from God, because I would never have been able to concentrate on all of these details if I had to go to work this week. We were sort of depressed that we were not really "going on vacation" but just visiting family, but the family visits we planned (and figured would not be real exciting) turned out to be filled with exciting news, lots of happy tears, and of course, my favorite pastime, SHOPPING!

The LORD works in mysterious ways, for sure!

We heard from "B" while I was driving down the Garden State Parkway, in shore traffic.At about 70 miles and hour. Good times. After I missed her call because I was driving, I pulled over, let M drive and tried to call her back. I was, to put it mildly, a mess. When we finally made contact, the conversation began to unfold naturally and things got a lot better for my stomach!

When we arrived at my in laws, house, we tried to act normal, but we couldn't hold back and delivered the news to M's parents and went out for a celebration dinner. At Charlie Brown's. The Early Bird shift. With coupons. True story!( We had a GREAT time!)

The next day brought some baby shopping and M's mom bought us our Pack and Play, because "B" is due in approximately 6 weeks and it's unlikely that we will be able to get our furniture delivered in such a short period of time. I need to get busy!

UPDATE:

Around 5 pm , I received an e-mail from my attorney, informing us that our profile was requested by the Birthmom and that it is now on it's way to her! I am very excited, but trying to keep my composure. My DH truly seems to be ok with the "issues" and wants to move forward. We need more medical info, and also, our budget needs to be hashed out but, so far, so good!
On another front, I called my Dad today and he actually told me that he felt that something was going on with us, before I mentioned a word about it. Of course, I got choked up a bit and just told him we were doing "research " on a situation and really didn't want to give up any details just yet. He was cool with that and just commented " I know my little girl too well!"
I also asked him about getting a loan from his credit union to help defray some of our expenses, and he asked me how much I needed. When I told him the amount I may need to fly out to meet the Birthmom "in the future" he said it was silly to go get a bank loan and he would take care of it for us! We will, of course pay him back, but it is such a relief to not have to worry about one part of this! My dad is a great American and my hero. I am blessed.

The Power of Prayer ( As Seen "IRL" ( In real life!)!

While I just posted my update, and am letting that sink in, I wanted to take a minute to talk about what happened on Sunday, while we were at church, because I think it is an important part of our story.
Last week, a woman from church and I went out to breakfast together and got to know one another a little bit. I enjoyed her company very much and looked forward to seeing her Sunday. While everyone was applauding the standing Fathers during their annual tribute, my poor husband, seated next to me was getting choked up and my heart broke in two. I rested my head on his soon to be soggy shoulder and cried for all that we have been through. It did not go unnoticed by many in the service that day.
I noticed a young woman sitting close by who had her head, down and was crying harder than I was. I later found out she is in the midst of her parents divorcing and my heart cried for her, too.
My new friend and her husband came up to M. and I after church was ended, and asked if they could pray for us. We accepted and our heavy hearts were lifted somewhat by their stronger shoulders and we are so grateful to them. My friend told us that many noticed our sadness and wanted to pray for us as well.
I do not believe that it was coincidental that the "situation" we were presented with last night and I hope and pray with all my might that I am right.

Wow, I have some news to share!

I had planned on doing a post about our Father's Day experience and our relaxing day at the lake ...but I interrupt this normally scheduled post for a news flash...yesterday, June 22, at 5:20 pm , I received the call that "might" change my life.The words are jumping around in my head, with about 5,ooo different voices (LOL) so I will try to summarize as best as I can!
Yesterday was the day after Father's Day, which for many of us on the infertility/adoption roller coaster, is difficult, at best. We had an emotional day with church, and then had to go to work, and for anyone is in Health Care it is always hard during the holidays to remain stone faced when asked the question, Oh, so do you have children?, Why not? Did you ever think of adoption? Relax, you'll get pregnant....and the list goes on! These questions are hard enough ( and always seem to come at the worst time, when I am doing a procedure on a patient and my hands are covered in some yucky substance, or my pager is beeping...) but getting told each and every year "Happy Mother's Day" is getting too difficult to bear. My DH was down trodden after everyone was asked to stand up and be recognized as a dad while we were in church, and got wished "Happy Father's Day" more than a few times at work. We were both pretty sad all day on Monday.
When my usually quiet cell phone rang on Monday evening, I was feeling pretty low. We have been advertising extensively and so far the only time my "BabyPhone" has rung, it was a fast talking saleswoman trying to sell me more adoption advertising. Bummer, right?
I was trying to tweak some of my ad stuff, and think of some more people to network through when my attorney called. She sounded sort of flat, and she's usually pretty hyper, (She is a caffeine addict, like me, one thing that made me bond with her!) so when she told me that she wanted to let me know about a "situation" that had come to her attention, I nearly dropped the phone. (I think her tone of voice was less bubbly than usual due to the fact that she did not want to influence my decision in any way.)
We were not expecting a match to be orchestrated through our attorney, as adopting through a private attorney in my state means that we will locate the birthmon ourselves, and the attorney is usually not the one to make the match. We knew this getting into this process, but maybe did not realize just how hard that would be.This time period, from September 2008, when we had our first Home Study, has been filled with stress while producing profile books, websites, networking materials and business cards, sending networking letters, calling out favors from old friends to write reference letters and waiting by the non ringing baby phone.
Of course, everything has two sides to it and this too, has brought us some joy as well, such as finding our new church and also, I have been given the gift of unfailing support from my brother and his wife ( who is expecting Baby #2 in the Fall!) I figure, it like this..if it doesn't kill me, it WILL make me stronger.
So when L ( my attorney) called me and offered me the chance to find out about this Birthmom, I was more than a little shocked. Apparently, an attorney from another state contacted her because her client had been matched with another couple who, for reasons I would not like to post about right now, decided to back out. The birthmom, "B", was devastated and is due in 6 , (yes 6....) short weeks from now! ( Insert deep breath here!)
We have been given her information, and this is what I can post about now: She is 32, unmarried and has been receiving pre-natal care. She has Medicaid, but will need some help with living expenses. We were told she is very pretty and will most likely get pictures today. There is a known Birth Father but he will not be an issue. She has already signed much of the paperwork for relinquishment. She has a family that is supportive of her desire to place the child for adoption, but they are not supportive of her financially. We are in the process of obtaining her medical info, we know she is a smoker.We are not sure about alcohol or drugs at this point. Baby has had many normal ultrasounds and we know the sex! ( Actually, I didn't want to know, but my attorney sort of put it out there before I had the chance to let her know I wanted to be surprised...but I am happy with the result, so enough of that for now :) I actually did not want to be influenced one way or another by knowing the sex, but if this is a "Sticky Match", I will be able to plan a little better than if we didn't know. I am a control freak at times, I will admit, but I have always felt that there are so few "true" surprises left in the times we live in, that when they hand that baby to you in the delivery room and say "It's a ______", life doesn't get any better than that !
Clearly, many of my pre-conceived notions ( pardon the pun) about having children have been forever alter by the course that God has planned for us!
So, after we digested all of the information that we were given, M and I sat down, and talked about everything. We made the decision to have our profile book overnighted to the B-mom's attorney and moved around some of our adoption fund money so we have quick access to it. We actually felt stupid, as we had not yet sent escrow money to our attorney, simply due to procrastination, I guess, but we will have that straightened out in the next 48 hours. Talk about a call to action!
"L" called us back a few times last night as she was in communication with the other attorney and "B" wanted to know a few things about us, like how long we have been married, and if I will be a "Stay at home Mom" . I will not be a SAHM, I will, however, remain part time and I hope that fact will not be a deal breaker for her. She was also concerned as to if we will be using day care, as she had bad experiences with day care ( I am not sure if she herself was in day care as a child or it had to do with her other children, she does have 2 other children, whom she gave up custody of).
So, today, we wait. We have been waiting for this for a LONG time, as we have been infertile for 6 six painful years, and at this point, the waiting isn't bothering me. I am more than used to it.

Fresh Start Friday!

So if you are on the Adopting Board on the Nest ( I STILL can't stomach the term "The BUMP") you may have read about my situation that nearly derailed our adoption efforts (BTW, when I figure out how to link to that post, I'll update here.) I don't want to rehash it all, but let it suffice to say that I woke up today with a fresh perspective on the problem, got motivated to find a solution, got study materials for my DH and went out for breakfast with a new friend from church.( all before 11 am, pretty impressive, yes?) We went to the local diner in my town and had a great time! After, I went for a much needed pedi/mani and took some ice cream from Rita's to Greenwood Lake and hung out with my Ipod and relaxed...I will post a few pics in the morning!

Blackberries and Websites and Blogs, Oh My

Technology CAN be a wonderful thing when trying to conceive, or adopt. There is information a plenty available on-line in Forums, chat rooms, message boards, Yahoo Groups and Google. My journey through the" trying to conceive" world began on-line on The Nest, a message board filled with women, some young, some a bit more "lived-in" (I refuse to make a concession to age) but none the less, all had the same common goal...to be a parent.
Many times I was consoled and cheered by these wonderful women who, maybe because they don't know me in real life, are able to impart support and help with out prejudice or judgment. They are not subject to pre-conceived notions about me or my circumstance. The blessings of that support can not be extolled high enough, as someone in cyberspace is always available to lend an ear, a dry shoulder or send up a silent prayer.
Real life, however, is an entirely different story. I have lost a few friends along this journey, some because they got wrapped up in their own saga, which is actually fine with me. Those people may find their way back, and, in trying to be a Christian (or as my pastor likes to say, a Christ follower) I will let them back in. And some, sadly have simply abandoned me due to their lack of comprehension on how to be a good friend to someone who is hurting badly. To those "so-called friends" I say, good riddance. To quote The "Sham-Wow Guy" ...."Life is hard enough, who wants to cry more?" (I promise I won't make a habit of quoting cheesy infomercials!)
So, to say I rely on the Internet community and technology to get me through the day is not exactly an understatement. My own mom has not really been a big cheerleader for my cause, either, but I don't want to divulge too much of that stuff right now. Let it suffice to say that since she had her kids before she was 26, she can not comprehend the desire, struggle and drive to pursue parenthood into one's 40's. If I landed an dream job working for a high powered attorney or a major news network, she would be thrilled for me, but if I told her I got a BFP on an EPT, she'd just sigh and wonder why I would want to parent a child at this age. ( Her words, not mine).
I did say there would be some "Ugly", right ?
While on the adoption pathway, I researched on-line, found books and more friends, found my awesome attorney and designed profiles books, networking materials, business cards and a website. I have to put a "plug" in here for my awesome brother, Doug who spent a very sleepless night and much of a 24 hour day building my website for me. I am forever in your debt, little Bro(and SO proud of you for all of your God given talents....and the heart you have to use them to help others! You rock! If anyone needs an amazing wedding day video/photo team on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, please check him out at outerbanksproductions.com. He does NOT do web design for the general public, however...he just did it for me cause he loves me! :) He will be a great Uncle some day!) My brother was also kind enough to host my site on his own business server, saving me much time and money and I am so blessed to be his big sister!
I have a Blackberry to field e-mails, which is hooked up to my toll-free "Baby hot line" (for Birth moms to contact us without divulging our personal info), my Blackberry also receives my G-Mail, which fields e-mail contact from B-moms.(also to protect our personal information, as a well know e mail service, IE: Comcast, can give someone who is not honest a clue as to where we are located.
The problem is, there is no contact, no e-mail, no phone calls. Nothing. Flat out, nothing. I am struggling today with that more than usual. I had a few rough days at work and am not feeling positive, so I have shut off my Blackberry and am going to take the day to recharge myself. My attorney, who is an adoptive mom herself, sent me a beautiful pattern for a crochet baby blanket during a time a few months back when I was feeling down. She suggested I take the crochet stuff and go into the "nursery" (we have not set it up yet, other than painting and installing flooring ) and spend some quiet time there and work on making a blanket for our child and reflect upon placing the blanket around our child and by doing so, letting God and the universe know we are open to receiving a child in our lives. I have yet to take her advice. Maybe, that is what I will do today, with my Blackberry turned off, so I can get some peace in my head.
This brings me to my next topic...blogs..I started about 5 blogs in the past , and have never kept up with them. I would rather not do a re cap on our journey thus far, as it's been a trip filled with angst and sometimes anger and sadness. It is my desire to put this out there to help others, but also, to help heal some of my pain this situation has brought. I am finding solace in church lately, and trying to find strength in God's love. I will admit that church and God have not been a priority for me until we turned an emotional corner in our lives because of our adoption quest. I choose to believe that was Jesus' hand taking us in this direction for His own reasons. Perhaps we needed to struggle a bit to get where God wants us to be, in His time. We found an amazing Pastor along our journey and we are grateful that we can call the Christian Life Center a place where we are finding out about God's love for us. It is my hope that through the Blog Community, I can reach out to others along this path and support some, and receive support from others.

THIS IS MY STORY

My name is Tiffany Blue (not really, but it IS my favorite color). This blog is about my journey which is in progress, to become a mother. It will most likely contain the Good, the Bad and hopefully not too much Ugly! My handsome DH and I decided on adoption in April 2008 after 4+ unsuccessful years of T-TTC. We have been married for 5 years and I threw away my BCP's the night before our wedding. I did get to see a "second line" once on an EPT, but it turned out to be a "chemical pregnancy" so I had no reason to think we could not conceive. I was in my late 30's when it happened and my MD said "not to worry" that he had women in their 40's get PG "all the time".

So when after over a year of TTC with no luck , I went back to Dr. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and found out that my FSH was in the high 50's. Why he never tested me when at 38, when I told him I was getting married and wanted kids is beyond me. He did not even have the guts to tell me about my horrible diagnosis...he had his receptionist deliver the blow for him! Yep, that's right, his secretary called me AT WORK to tell me I am infertile...I swear, you can't make this stuff up!

After 5 RE consults and so much blood work, ultrasounds, HSGs, a ton of meds in a sad attempt to lower my FSH ( the meds actually caused blood clots in my leg up to my groin (YIKES!) and didn't work anyway) and injectables ( Cetrotide , and 80 mgs of Lovenox a day to prevent more clots) I ran out of insurance. I happen to work for a major Northern NJ Medical Center and only have $10 K insurance for IF treatment. The fact that NJ is a mandated state only means they have to provide some coverage, not all. I ran through that in less than a year, and it is a lifetime cap.I have been told by all of my RE's that I have the worst insurance for infertility they have ever seen. Lucky me.

DH and I hit a big stumbling block at that point, as we were both going through so much pain and anguish, as I was very un-lovable at the time, and so was he. We decided our love and marriage were worth fighting for and sought professional help ( Thank You, Jesus ) and decided that we wanted to be parents first and foremost and that biology didn't matter all that much.

After much consideration and trepidation, tons of research and an awesome trip to spend time with our adorable 2 year old niece, we consulted with an adoption attorney in April '08 and actually entertained, quite seriously, the option to do a donor egg cycle. Sadly, after being turned down for every type of financing available, including a second mortgage, we began to panic. My fear was that if we emptied out our 401B, which was the ONLY option we had left, and the cycle failed...we would be financially screwed in the future and would have no resources left to adopt. Good times, assuredly!

So, I called my attorney and she talked me down off the ledge and suggested that we get set up for adoption. I somehow managed to break the $3,000 egg donor consultant contract we signed earlier that year, and here we are a whole year later, home study approved and car seat ready, waiting for the BabyPhone to ring (more on THAT later)